he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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