Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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