I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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