Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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