I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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