I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
