I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
