i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
