She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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