Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
