Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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