u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
