Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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