i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
