Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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