apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
