I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
