My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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