So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You are the jesus of drinking
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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