My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
