am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
