Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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