Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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