Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
