I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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