Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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