Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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