I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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