I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
