I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
