There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
