If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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