He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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