tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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