dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
