My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
