That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
