Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize