NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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