that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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