Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
