I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
