dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
