Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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