I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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