How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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