I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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