I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
