I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
