So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
