Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
