Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
