I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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