Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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