I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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